How to Free Yourself; Letting Go of the Ties that Bind
Concentrate on whom or what has gotten you upset.
Example: “I invited 12 people to my birthday party and only 5 showed up. They said they would come and then backed out last minute. I feel like a fool! I spent all this money to be sure I had enough food, and now it will all go to waste. I always go to events they invite me to and buy them a gift. They don’t value or respect me!”
1) Write down the situation that has you feeling this way and/or share it with a partner. Do not hold back or sugarcoat it. Allow that little boy or girl inside to really let loose, without judgement. Let yourself truly feel the experience, otherwise you will just end up holding onto unresolved feelings of resentment. If you are doing this with a trusted partner or professional, act like you are confronting the other person/people, and say what you would say if there were no consequences, just as a child might do. This allows you to be heard (perhaps for the first time) and explore what feelings arise.
“I am so angry at you, because I shared my deepest secrets with you, and you told everyone my business…”
2) Write down those feelings.
“I feel angry, frustrated, like a fool, betrayed, sad and violated.”
Remember: a story is not a feeling. “I feel like everyone must think I’m a fool,” is a story. Sad is a feeling.
Give yourself the opportunity to really express those feelings, whether it is on paper or to someone you trust. This step is very powerful and cannot be rushed through or glossed over like “spiritual bypass.” Allowing yourself to be heard and giving that inner child a voice is the first real step toward healing. Your feelings are never wrong, so give yourself the opportunity to feel validated.
3) Notice how have you interpreted these feelings. Think about what stories you told yourself based on these feelings.
“I am not important or valuable, nobody loves me, people always leave me or take advantage of me, others are more important.”
Check the set of beliefs you resonate with most:
___ Nothing I do is ever enough
___ I am not safe
___ I am always last or left out
___ I will be taken advantage of
___ People always abandon me
___ It is not safe to say how I really feel
___ I should have been born the opposite sex
___ Life is not fair
___ I am unworthy
___ I don’t deserve love
___ I must obey or suffer consequences
___ Others are more important than me
___ I am alone
___ Nobody understands me
___ I am unlovable
___ No one is there for me
___ I don’t fit anywhere.
4) Be honest. Is what you are telling yourself the absolute truth? Or is this your distorted beliefs running the show?
Reflect on other times in your life (before this moment) where you felt these feelings and came to the same conclusion. Write about those times.
“It’s not just on my birthday, this happened to me at school and in summer camp as well.”
5) Do you see a pattern in these experiences? Are you willing to recognize the mirror that has shown up to reflect faulty programming? What if the whole reason for the discord with another person, was to make you aware of the glitch in thinking that continually shows up for you subconsciously? Looking down on the situation, are you willing to see that this circumstance has allowed you the opportunity to catch these faulty beliefs by reflecting them back to you? Are you willing to send love to your inner child and release the story in step 4, while also being willing to release the others involved?
6) Write down the feelings and old beliefs that you are ready to release. Also list the other party or parties involved.
Example: “I release the belief that I am unlovable, I am not important or valuable, nobody loves me, people always take advantage or leave me, others are more important. I forgive myself for judging myself as not good enough, unlovable and having no value. I forgive ______(name or situation) for reflecting these feelings back to me, and release _______(name or situation) and myself from any further feelings of discord.”
7) Feel the love and compassion permeate through your whole body. Give thanks for being able to go back and redo the situation form an elevated perspective and journal about it.
This is a great tool to let go of harbored resentment. It is very deep, simple, and yet, incredibly powerful.